elfgrove: (Default)
How strange things are.
I thought that college would change me.
I wasn't completely wrong. College has changed me. I'm more mature and more open than I was a year and a half ago, but no more so than I would've been were I still in high school. I've changed, but I'm still within the path of change for myseld that i've been on for a while now.
It's strange.
I'm hanging out with a whole new group of people, yet it's still the same in ways.

There's three basic group of people I hang out with.
In high school:
There were the people I hung out with in class. We had nothing in common except being generally good people and good students. (read: we were the "brains", the kids you worked with in groups because they were smart and would do all the work.) Very few of them saw me outside of class.
There were my "real friends", the people who shared my beliefs and world veiws, or were at least sympathetic to them. These were the kids who hung out with me outside of class. We were troublemakers occasionally, loud as a group, rebels when it suited, and outcasts always. These were the ones I felt actually gave a shit about me in the long run. We were jokingly known to each other as "The Crackhall Group"; private jokes, don't worry, no real drugs involved... well not for all of us, and not around me.
There were also the people I knew vaguely. I called them friend, but I was never sure why. We hung out occasionally. United Way events, band kids, between classes, one or two football games, etc. I never expected to see any of them again in my life.
Then there were my truest friends. The ones who I was attached to from the instant I met them. Soulmates of a kind. I could tell them damn near anything. That, is a very tiny group. They were pulled from my other friends groupings. That doesn't exactly count towards the basic three though.
There were other friends, and some overlaped, but i'm trying to genralize.



........I'll finish later..........

Shindeiru

Jul. 6th, 2001 10:22 am
elfgrove: (You ask me one more question and I'm bea)
Dusty? Kris? Had you heard this yet?

I got quite a shock yesterday evening. Adam Allen came over to my house. When my brother and I greeted me at the door I smiled because it took a moment to recognize him between the baseball cap and new goatee. Then he gave me the most disturbing look, the same one my mom uses when she delievers news of a death.

"I've got some bad news, you'd better sit down." Oh gods. I bet my face looked terrified from those first five words. Two thoughts ran through my head. Oh no, Kelly's baby... He's dead... Or Kelly is... No. Oh no. So I was somewhat relieved, but still upset when I heard the actual news.

"Remember Brisco? He was shot in the back this morning. He's dead."
"What? Oh shit... Was it a gang thing or something?"
"No it was an argument with another guy over fireworks."
"No."
"Yeah."

As Adam suggested later, i'd hate to be the guy who shot Brisco when Henry catches up to him. Then again, the bastard deserves anything that's done to him. Short of getting off the hook.

I was in the same class in high school as Brisco. The thing I always will remember first about him, is on homecoming week our senior year, seeing him walk down the main hall wearing a fuzzy purple bathrobe over slacks and a white t-shirt, a hat that looked like it belonged in a gangster movie, aqnd carrying an old fashioned can, and walking in his version of a pimp step. He was always like that doing anything to make people smile or laugh. I didn't know him to well, and for some reason, I was always a little worried he and his buddies would end up in trouble with a gang, not members, but in trouble with one. Eerytime I heard someone talk about him, it seemed like despite his antics, he was a very nice guy. This sucks. To hear he's gone. Now my second thought of him is going to be, killed in an arguement over fireworks. The day after the first independence day of a new millenium. I hope the bastard who shot him gets properly punished.

I remember during my fall 2000 semester at college, getting a call to inform me some of my schoolmates had been shot. Over a stupid argument after the Hazel Green/Sparkman game. It was always a big rivalry, and there were often fist fights and scuffles between the students after the game, but a gun now... Brisco had only been shot in the calf then, and no one had died. Damnit. I still have an article on that saved in notepad on my computer. I guess i'm about to have another one. What the hell's wrong? The Huntsville/Hazel Green used to be a nice place to raise a family. Whast the hell's going on?

Brisco had joined the army. His parents had been afraid of losing him in there, instead they lose him when he's home for independence day. The world sucks...

Shindeiru is Japanese for dead.
An article with a picture is here.
elfgrove: (Default)
Hrm... Interesting new community I happened across... Writing prompts. I think i'll try this...
journal_jar asks:
"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood but of respect and joy in each others lives. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."

Think about your closest friends, those who are as close as, or closer than, your biological family. Who are they? What is it that brings you together? What qualities do they bring into your life?


Some of my closest and dearest friends are people who I didn't care for when I first met them, nor did they care for me.
Adam, Kelly, Ray... I thought they were bad people. When I first met them... Adam sold cigarettes to minors, Kelly practiced "black magic", and Ray, well, he was a pretentious asshole. Then I got to know them. It's hard to understand that dislike I once viewed them in. I consider them now like younger siblings. They're so dear to me.
Adam turned out to be a comical and nice guy, who wore his heart on his sleeve. Kelly was a rebel and got into trouble sometimes, but she cared deeply for her friends and had warrior-like protective tendancies. Ray is still a jerk, but under the jerk is a nice guy who would do anything for his friends and just wants someone to love. Hope he finds someone.

Then there are the people I felt as though I could trust instantly. It's so strange, that I ever felt this for anyone, as little trust as I usually invest and how long it typically takes to come. But. Jenni and Robert from the moment I met them, I knew I had found people who would be in my heart forever. I can't even explain it.

There are a very few others that fall in on a familial level with me. And then there are people who though I didn't feel instant trust, I did feel an instant need to protect and watch over them. Even though they may be stronger than I am.

It's strange. But they are my extended family.



Song Lyrics
elfgrove: (You ask me one more question and I'm bea)
This is a quote I made in a rambling during SATs my senior year of high school. I was looking back at it today, and the quote caught my eye.

I'm still as alone as I always have been. Well, maybe a little less so. But, according to that comment I shouldn't be so alone. Thinking back on what I wrote that comment in context to, I should no longer feel alone. I've found people who have somewhat of an understanding. Not completely. No one can ever completely understand anyone else's heart. But, i've found people who have a vague understanding. One moreso than any other.

But i'm still alone.

I couldn't help but think. At the time I thought it was a briliant statement. I knew it wasn't quite that simple, nothing ever is. But I thought it was mostly right. Here I am though. Over a year later, and a lot has changed.

But that loneliness still consumes me.

So what does that mean? Obviously, the statement isn't nearly as complete as I once believed it to be.

But what causes the loneliness?

The one i'm closest to is too busy to talk now. I understand that of course. That isn't the cause of the loneliness. It is deeper than that. It is something that continually keeps me at the edge. The edge of an abyss within myself that I won't discuss just now.

Perhaps the loneliness is a result of me pushing people away constantly. Smiling and laughing when i'm angry or hurt most. Demanding to be alone when all I really want is someone to sit next to me in silence. Forcing speech rather than accepting the silence when it would help.

I have no answers, but perhaps, the loneliness is caused by my own self -- my pride.
elfgrove: (Beat)
I was talking to one of my best friends in the world on AIM last night. I really should've saved the conversation, it was just that good... Not really, but interesting information.

You have to remember that after the Columbine Shooting my junior year, I went through hell. People were throwing shit at me and my friends during lunch and in class, saying things that in no way need repeating, literally throwing themselves against the wall in feigned terror when I walked past in the hall, calling into the school claiming I had made threats to go on a killing rampage, the administrators and school counselors told me that I should conform to the preps(I didn't), and the administrators were threatening to suspend/expel me for what was going on. Only after a week did it calm down somewhat when my friends and I who had been down to the office daily (at least) since the beginning, told the administrators that if we were called down again, we would consider it harassment and sue the school.

In current news, my friend (currently a senior at that school) has joined a nearby dojo to train in various martial arts as taught by Elm. I plan to join as soon as I move home this summer.

Anyways, Elm was in the phone store next to the Chevron in front of the dojo, and some woman asked him if he was part of that Tiger's Eagle Claw Cult. (I'll fix the name later, but I forgot what the dojo is called.) He told her no. DUH. It's a dojo, not a cult. My friend and her BF (it was him, right?) walked in and Elm told them that. They had a good reaction, they gave each other high fives and said something to the effect of: Yeah! We're in a cult!

So apparently it some sort of rumor now that the little pink dojo behind the chevron in HG is a cult. They make blood sacrifices to their demon lord, etc., etc. The idiocy of some people in that town... I just warned her to not let the school screw with her if the rumor started circulating there.

Well, she may be coming down tomorrow to help me move home. Actually it'll be more she's coming to hang out while I pack, I don't expect her to help with the actual packing.
My May Day Costume"You can't let them win. I've been where you are. Do what you have to, but don't give up. YOU CAN'T LET THEM WIN."

- Lycorne
elfgrove: (Default)
It's amazing. Someone from my high school managed to find me on Live Journal. How did you find me anyways Radar?
It's great to hear from him again. We had fun joking around in classes. Poison Elves references in Calculus... I was the Poison Elves book-mobile.^_~ You just had to be there. I wonder whatever happened to Coach Black our "history teacher"? Gods know the man couldn't teach history. I know he's not at the Green anymore.

Our high school was Hazel Green... "The Green"... Heh. Now that is a term I haven't heard in forever... Hey Radar? I thought it was always "hell with fluorescent lighting"?

You know what? I actually miss that rathole! Not just the people, I expected to miss my friends, but I miss the damned rathole itself. What's wrong with me? ^_~


..."Don't worry about the meaning, we're just trying to see how long we can drag this conversation out."
- Matt, AU anime Club, 04.17.2001

December 2011

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