elfgrove: (Default)
Okay. As of now, i've deleted a lot of names from my friends list, and removed myself from most of my communties. This is nothing personal to anyone.
The fact is, I haven't so much as looked at the friends page of my LJ in a week or two, and I haven't gone to the Otherkin message boards in a month or more. So i'm removing myself from all communties that i'm a member of, with the exception of AbstractThought, TheGreen(which is inactive anyways), and the dojo community.
Don't expect to see me around any of the otherkin boards anytime soon though. I am still as glad as ever to know that community is out there, but... I don't feel as though I gain anything from interacting with it right now, nor does my presence benifit the community in anyway. I may return to it later, but until then, I don't know when i'll look in that direction again. I'm going back to just looking into myself as far as that side of my sprituality goes right now.
As for my other communties, it's pretty much the same reason, I had nothing to give or gain from it, and knowing it was there only caused me to ignore the other aspects of my online stuff, so... *poof*... until i see reason to return to it.
If you're no longer on my friends list, and want to remain on it, comment here. I'll either re-add you, or let you know why your not on the list anymore. It's nothing personal once agian, but mostly a matter of, I was trying to read to many long journals and frequent posters, and I burned out. I stopped reading and wanting to read, and there's some people here I just really want to be there for.
I also think I might find time to start playing with my websites again. Not sure when that'll happen. We'll see. They're all in pretty bad need of some attention.
As for the people still on my friends list, i'm not back yet, and I proably won't go back to the posts I missed recently. I apologize for that. I should return soon though.
elfgrove: (Default)
It all began online, on LiveJournal.
Someone I was talking to. He began talking about how there were these evil creatures, alien to our world, and they needed to be exterminated, before they took over. I was hurt because some of these "creatures" were my friends, and to a degree, I was one of them. (I think this referenced the entire Otherkin idea, only suddenly elves and etc were just everywhere, manifested otherkin, and those who had never been human. I was otherkin, but couldn't manifest.) We argued about it a lot, but overall, we had a sort of friendship.

I remember his icon very clearly, black with red writing in a fantasy-like font. It said something that sometimes angered, me and other times inspired deep thought.

*jump forward*

We had agreed to meet. In fact, there was an entire little community of us who decided to meet in real life. Randi, Aaron, and Laura were the ones I already knew, who came with me.

When we got there, the person I had been talking to was Ben Elliot, older and harsher looking in the face, and his hair was longer than last I saw him. He wore all black, except a button with red writing, his LJ image. But it was still very much Ben. The one with him was Robert Duvall, my friend, not the actor. There was a harsh look to his face too, and his hair was cut short. He wore a white dress shirt with black jeans. They both looked so cold and angry, so unlike the guys I know.

They said that the four of us were part of those alien creatures, and we should die. I was in too much shock to do much at first, and somehow, Robert was able to subdue everyone while I stood in frozen shock looking at Ben. All I could do was keep saying, "Ben... Rob... no..."

Then Ben took this vial of white liquid out of his pocket. He held the vial inches from my face, making sure I could see it clearly. It was the subject of may of our debates. "This is the experimental drug I told you about. It isolates the genes of those creatures and starts tearing them apart on a molecular level." He smiled, so coldly...

Robert's face mirrored the same smile. Robert produced a hypodermic needle, the method to administer the... whatever you'd call it... He grabbed Randi by the arm and jerked her to her feet.

I suddenly was able to move again,and stepped forward. "If you have to do this, I'll do it. Don't touch her. Don't touch any of them."

"Fine." came Ben's cold answer.

He handed Rob the vial and rob filled the needle and plunged it into my arm, releasing the stufff directly into my blood.

All my strength left me, and I slumped to the ground. All feeling and emotion were gone. It was surreal. Watching as everyone's faces seemed to return to normal. Aaron, Laura, and Randi were alright again, no sign of being roughed up. Ben And Rob, though their appearance was still odd to me, their faces had soften back to the people I know. They all seemed upset. Ben and Rob were apologizing, saying they didn't understand why they'd done that, and I blacked out.
*wake up*
elfgrove: (Humans...)
Robert's party is today. Yay. I've not seen Rob in a while. Must take a photo. He's changed a good bit in the last year. At least his appearance has. He's still the same sweet guy that I absolutely adore. ^_^

I had something intelligent to say before, but I've forgotten it now.
I've updated my Sketchpad.

Wow. Is this guy insane, quirkie, or an extremist Otherkin? Hrm... I do wonder.
Tiger Man
elfgrove: (Protest)

It seems so at least...
I ended up going to the Pantheon dinner thing.

No regrets. It was very nice to spend that little bit of extra time with those people. I really do care about them. Maybe it's stupid because I am risking being hurt, but I can't help but to care about them. I gave Amber the poster of StoneHenge i've been meaning to give to her since winter break, and I gave Brett my most recent medicine bag. I hope they like them.

Only one thing didn't come out too great. I mentioned the idea of Otherkin to the Pantheon kids at the Blue Bagel. I didn't present it as I was one, I said that i'd come across an interesting online community and asked if they'd ever heard of it. I then proceeded to describe it to them.
Cliff started laughing. Gods... I thought I was going to get angry with him or just get up and run out. I rememer his reaction more so than anyone else's because he was sitting right across from me. I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone else's face. I was afraid that they would laugh too, I can't remember if they were or not. Probably were. I laughed some myself and said something to the effect of "yeah, but they're really interesting to talk too." Cliff told me that "interesting" was probably the best word to use for groups like that. He added that it was possible, but he had always been incarnated as a human. The initial reaction hurt though. Christina added that people are always telling her how elf-like or pixie-ish she is. Cliff laughed and agreed and joked about imagining her just phasing out and back in, and how he would ask her how her trip was.

Feh. Nevermind. I'm stronger than this. I don't care. I am what I am and do not regret it. I was only sad to hear that from Cliff. But it is a hard idea to swallow; I understand. He's too nice a person for me to get angry about it, everyone who was there is.

Heh. This from a girl who still holds a grudge against a guy for a comment he made when I was 12. Of course it was a bad comment and he only got worse through the years, but I never really gave him a second chance after that. Heh. Perhaps i'm no longer the queen of grudges.

After the Blue Bagel I walked bay to the Student Union to catch the last tape of the Anime Club meeting. Cliff was giving a ride home to everyone, but I opted to walk. I like walking after my meetings, gives me time to think.

At the last of the Anime Club meeting, it turns out Matt will be making dinner Saturday and we scheduled to meet for ice cream on dead day where Matt could come, so Chris won't make it. It should be nice though.

Damn It All "You are extremely avoiding the contact of the first kind. Do you fear to feel other people? Being ignorant of others, you will never be either betrayed nor hurt, though you'll never escape from feeling loneliness. A person cannot erase that forever... However, people can forget, and thus are able to live."

- Kaoru Nagisa, Neon Genesis Evangelion

Damn. Why was the chorus to this song stuck in my head on the way to Anime Club from the Blue Bagel?
~ SONG ~
And then he went to the roof
Where his threats ring loud and clear
Gonna jump, Gonna jump
Gonna die this year

elfgrove: (Default)
Thanks to whomever showed concern about the fact that I try to not let people care about me... I have my reasons though... And there aren't many out there who can understand them. This includes you Radar. No one's going to understand it unless there as deep in some of the shit that I am in.

If I want to deal with it alone, let me. I'm not asking for that much.

I've considered suicide a lot recently, but, they way things figure, I can't afford it. The things i've been involved in, if I disappear, un-involved people might suffer. I can't allow that.

I saw someone in dustyX's friends asking how do you deal? I don't know how I deal. I think I do because I have no choice. Protecting the people I care about from my mistakes comes first. I may not care a lot about myself sometimes, but I care too much about them to not protect them from everything I can. I can't take the easy way out.

What was ironic was the last variation of the question:
--- How do you deal, looking up at the stars and realizing you do NOT belong on earth, that you were born in the wrong form, place, time, EVERYTHING, and wondering whether you should correct that error on your own? ---
I doubt she means that literally. Were it my comment, I would. I do do look up at the stars and KNOW that I do not belong on Earth. I KNOW that this is not the form I am supposed to be wearing. I KNOW I'm supposed to somewhere else. And I have considered correcting the error, except I know the error would only begin again because things are destined to be like that. And people might suffer were I to give up. I'm a warrior from another time, another world. I'm half elf / half evifie stuck in a human body. I miss being what I should be. Compare the picture below to the default one in my menu. See the problem? I'm trapped in this place.

How do I deal? I simply do because I must. You can too. Someone took the knife away for you; you have no idea how amazing that is.

..."Lady, we're all lost. We've all lost our way...There is no escaping our destiny. You can run from it for a little while, but it's always there waiting for you at the end of the line."
- Rude, "Letting Go of the Past" by ZealPropht

elfgrove: (Default)
His words rang empty for me.
I let myself look up at the sky,
The sun beat down from above.

Not like last time,
.......... it rained then.
It should rain,
..........at things like this...

The sermon ended, some Easter.
Not that the holiday meant anything to me,
..........Well, except memories.

"Please move back so we can fill it in."
Cold stones on a perfectly manicured lawn.

I was almost the only one wearing black,
Even Mom wore only gray.

"Well, she changed after that Church of Scientology thing."
"She and I haven't been close for ages; I think she was crazy."

Crazy? How can you?
Mom tried to change the subject with photos of our dogs,
And Dad put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong with having a squirrel for a pet?"
She told my Dad in disgust, "Well its a wild animal!"
"I used to have a pet squirrel"
Their nervous laughter was hollow.
In a way, they just called my Dad crazy too.
"Well you were a kid, that was different!"
"Not really."

She wasn't crazy.

"She wasn't crazy..."
I'm whispering, I want to tell them off,
I'm not a Christian,
I believe in Unicorns too,
And Faeries, and UFOs,
She had reason to be scared of Y2K.

"She wasn't crazy."
I'm getting louder, but they haven't heard me yet.
What if it was me in the ground?
Would you be calling me crazy too?
How can you say those things?
Insensitive, close-minded assholes.
Maybe we should have a nice long talk.
Start with me being Pagan maybe?
Or that my soul is half-elf?

"She's not..."
"Let's go check on your little brother."

Always the lifesaver,
Thanks Dad.
I'm not equipped to handle them right now anyway.
I just lost my favorite cousin.

"Okay... She wasn't crazy."
"I know. They would probably think you and I are crazy too."
"I know."

"My brother, Butch, said there are two kinds of people,
There are the eagles,
Who fly high above the earth
And look down and see and learn about everything, like us;
And then there's the moles,
They just want to sit in the dirt
With their heads in their little holes, and never see anything."

"I like that saying.
I'd really like to read Uncle Butch's notebooks one day."
"We'll see if we can get them.
I think Butch would've really liked you."

By: Lycorne

Just a synopsis of my 2nd cousin Fay's funeral this Easter.
This little poem is dedicated to both my parents and my little brother who are Eagles, and the Eagles we've lost to Death, especially Fay and Butch.
elfgrove: (Default)
Well, I never write short versions of this thing... So i'll try to be brief...

I'm gonna kill her.

Err, little too brief, ne?
My friend, Robyn, went out with this guy and about 6 of his buddies that night, and she just met him last night. Everyone at the front desk (I live in a dorm) got very bad vibes off the guy, even the ones who never sense that sort of thing. Dumb ass Robyn! If she isn't home this morning, Tiff is supposed to call Stacey and me, and we go hunt her down.

On a (un)related note. Something was very wrong last night, it felt like something was moving in... Double my room shields, heh heh... When your on the sixth floor of a building and there are no trees except across the road, then you hear tapping on your window after having bad vibes all night, upping your shields seems like a good idea.

On another unrelated note, I came across a new community recently, "Otherkin". Right now, i'm just wondering if they'll think i'm nuts, hate me, like me whatever... only time will tell I guess...

I guess that wasn't brief after all...

December 2011

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