elfgrove: (Default)
I do not know myself too well these days. Once upon a time, when I was younger and more vain, I thought I knew myself; I thought I knew many things. If I know anything now, it is that I, as well as most other people, are often wrong. But because I am often wrong, that may be wrong too. So I will not hold myself to strictly to my opinions. But for now, what I believe, I will believe with all my being, even if it becomes wrong later. For I find it is too hard to live without believing in your thoughts.

I look within myself and find that other self. The one that is me, yet is not me. There are other mes within this shell as well. But there a separate ways of looking at them.

There are the mes that are the masks that I wear out in the world. The world has so many people, and so many ways of acting and believing, that for each person I met, or each grouping, a new mask was created. The masks are a sort of one-way mirror. They mirror what that person wants or needs me to be for them from my view of their needs and desires as far as I am willing to mirror their will. Yet it is not completely a mirror, as I said it is one-way, And I look through it at them, at whatever form of mask, and as deeply into that mask as I am able to see. And a little piece of me is seen through the one-way mirror, a shadow of myself plays upon the surface of the mask. And I sit within myself, looking at my masks, taking chisel and polish, constantly reforming and destroying, refining the masks that I wear. Because my masks are designed to serve the people I know, and to serve them properly, the masks must be constantly altered to match the changes in those they serve. And the longer a mask exists, the thinner, and the closer the mask becomes to being the inner self that carves and wears the masks.

And as I sit, chiseling and polishing away at the mes that are masks of myself, I listen to the main or inner self. The part that is the me formed by the culmination of my masks, and the effects of wearing the masks, and knowing people in this world. The people of this world, it's society, my masks, form the self that carefully sits and carves the masks, that is very close to the true self or perhaps it is my true self. That me is shadowed on every mask it carves, that is the me that wears the masks and peers through, trying to take care of and protect the world from everything. This is the me that controls everything within myself, it is the main self that knows and connects all other selfs.

And as that main self sits and carves and chisels my masks, it converses with my other self. And perhaps this other self is my true self. The other self has been there from the beginning of everything. Unlike the masks, which exist only as long as they are necessary for the intended person that the mask is made for, and have only existed as long as that person has known me, the other self has always existed. Unlike the inner self in that while I am not sure if the inner self has always existed or not, the inner self changes somewhat with the masks, taking on some of the qualities of every mask, the other self does not change. The other self only grows stronger or weaker in influence. Not long ago, I kept the other self strongly chained and caged, and rarely spoke to it as I carved the masks. I feared the other self, because it was truer to my heart and wishes than the main self, thus I felt I had to hide and bind it for the safety of the main self. I still cannot find some of the keys to remove all the chains that bind the other self, but I converse with and listen to the other self far more often these days. The inner and the other self discuss everything they have learned in their lives. And the inner self evolves as it converses, growing stronger and more like the other self. And as it grows stronger, it carves more of the masks thinner than it usually would, and more of it's shadow plays upon the surfaces of the masks. And the chains on the other self grow consistently weaker as it converses, for it grows stronger in the conversations.

But I still fear the other self to the inner self somewhat. For I think the other would destroy the inner if it could. The other is cold and often nearly emotionless inside it's own shell. And within that shell beats memories and strong emotions repressed due to those memories. The memories are of another life, one I have not experienced in this life, and formed a stronger more distant self, who still protected everyone, but at the same time... The other self is cold for its knowledge of war, pain, killing and death is thorough. But it is far stronger and has more power from the knowledge of another place and time. And the inner self is less cold, and boasts less raw power and experience, but in it's way is a shadow of the other self.

So I am a shadow of no telling how many shadows. For if myself now is the shadow of a past self, it the past self a shadow of yet another past self?
elfgrove: (Default)
Thanks to whomever showed concern about the fact that I try to not let people care about me... I have my reasons though... And there aren't many out there who can understand them. This includes you Radar. No one's going to understand it unless there as deep in some of the shit that I am in.

If I want to deal with it alone, let me. I'm not asking for that much.

I've considered suicide a lot recently, but, they way things figure, I can't afford it. The things i've been involved in, if I disappear, un-involved people might suffer. I can't allow that.

I saw someone in dustyX's friends asking how do you deal? I don't know how I deal. I think I do because I have no choice. Protecting the people I care about from my mistakes comes first. I may not care a lot about myself sometimes, but I care too much about them to not protect them from everything I can. I can't take the easy way out.

What was ironic was the last variation of the question:
--- How do you deal, looking up at the stars and realizing you do NOT belong on earth, that you were born in the wrong form, place, time, EVERYTHING, and wondering whether you should correct that error on your own? ---
I doubt she means that literally. Were it my comment, I would. I do do look up at the stars and KNOW that I do not belong on Earth. I KNOW that this is not the form I am supposed to be wearing. I KNOW I'm supposed to somewhere else. And I have considered correcting the error, except I know the error would only begin again because things are destined to be like that. And people might suffer were I to give up. I'm a warrior from another time, another world. I'm half elf / half evifie stuck in a human body. I miss being what I should be. Compare the picture below to the default one in my menu. See the problem? I'm trapped in this place.

How do I deal? I simply do because I must. You can too. Someone took the knife away for you; you have no idea how amazing that is.

..."Lady, we're all lost. We've all lost our way...There is no escaping our destiny. You can run from it for a little while, but it's always there waiting for you at the end of the line."
- Rude, "Letting Go of the Past" by ZealPropht

elfgrove: (Default)
His words rang empty for me.
I let myself look up at the sky,
The sun beat down from above.

Not like last time,
.......... it rained then.
It should rain,
..........at things like this...

The sermon ended, some Easter.
Not that the holiday meant anything to me,
..........Well, except memories.

"Please move back so we can fill it in."
Cold stones on a perfectly manicured lawn.

I was almost the only one wearing black,
Even Mom wore only gray.

"Well, she changed after that Church of Scientology thing."
"She and I haven't been close for ages; I think she was crazy."

Crazy? How can you?
Mom tried to change the subject with photos of our dogs,
And Dad put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"What's wrong with having a squirrel for a pet?"
She told my Dad in disgust, "Well its a wild animal!"
"I used to have a pet squirrel"
Their nervous laughter was hollow.
In a way, they just called my Dad crazy too.
"Well you were a kid, that was different!"
"Not really."

She wasn't crazy.

"She wasn't crazy..."
I'm whispering, I want to tell them off,
I'm not a Christian,
I believe in Unicorns too,
And Faeries, and UFOs,
She had reason to be scared of Y2K.

"She wasn't crazy."
I'm getting louder, but they haven't heard me yet.
What if it was me in the ground?
Would you be calling me crazy too?
How can you say those things?
Insensitive, close-minded assholes.
Maybe we should have a nice long talk.
Start with me being Pagan maybe?
Or that my soul is half-elf?

"She's not..."
"Let's go check on your little brother."

Always the lifesaver,
Thanks Dad.
I'm not equipped to handle them right now anyway.
I just lost my favorite cousin.

"Okay... She wasn't crazy."
"I know. They would probably think you and I are crazy too."
"I know."

"My brother, Butch, said there are two kinds of people,
There are the eagles,
Who fly high above the earth
And look down and see and learn about everything, like us;
And then there's the moles,
They just want to sit in the dirt
With their heads in their little holes, and never see anything."

"I like that saying.
I'd really like to read Uncle Butch's notebooks one day."
"We'll see if we can get them.
I think Butch would've really liked you."

By: Lycorne

Just a synopsis of my 2nd cousin Fay's funeral this Easter.
This little poem is dedicated to both my parents and my little brother who are Eagles, and the Eagles we've lost to Death, especially Fay and Butch.
elfgrove: (Default)
Well, I never write short versions of this thing... So i'll try to be brief...

I'm gonna kill her.

Err, little too brief, ne?
My friend, Robyn, went out with this guy and about 6 of his buddies that night, and she just met him last night. Everyone at the front desk (I live in a dorm) got very bad vibes off the guy, even the ones who never sense that sort of thing. Dumb ass Robyn! If she isn't home this morning, Tiff is supposed to call Stacey and me, and we go hunt her down.

On a (un)related note. Something was very wrong last night, it felt like something was moving in... Double my room shields, heh heh... When your on the sixth floor of a building and there are no trees except across the road, then you hear tapping on your window after having bad vibes all night, upping your shields seems like a good idea.

On another unrelated note, I came across a new community recently, "Otherkin". Right now, i'm just wondering if they'll think i'm nuts, hate me, like me whatever... only time will tell I guess...

I guess that wasn't brief after all...

December 2011

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