TEAM FURSPLODE

[elfgrove]

Oh for... Dammit. I swore. SWORE up and down I would not bring up Twilight here on LJ. I meant it. Until today.

I finally checked out dqbunny's link. Oh how I love/hate you right now.
I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I swear. I couldn't. I laugh remembering this shit.

• Oh, dramatize, Jasper.


• OH SHIT LOOK IT'S BELLA SWAN OM NOM EMOTEEN NOMMMMMMMM


• Oh, Edward. Shine on, you prissy diamond.


• RARRRRR CHIVALRY SMASH!


• Meanwhile, Emmett's all like, "Dude, Rosalie is totally going to put a foot up your ass, and also, Jasper's pretty much gonna take that chick out back and snarf her if you won't," and Edward literally sees red and goes into a rage spasm and Emmett's like DUDE WE ARE IN SPANISH CLASS YOU HAVE GOT TO GET YOUR MIERDA TOGETHER. "Damn, kid, you're a mess," laughs Emmett. "Bite me," says Edward. Presumably there are no ladies within earshot of this horrid, pun-laden vulgarity. (Oh Emmett, I luvs you now.)


• Jasper's all like "WHATEVER, KILL THE HUMAN, SHE LOOKS TASTY" (I already liked you, Jasper. You AND Alice, but lawl!♥)


• I MUST PENETRATE HER MIIIIIIIIIIND!!! THE MONSTER MUST KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!1! God, this guy needs to get laid so bad, I can't even tell you.


• "strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep in my forgotten core," by which he means "in my pants"


• STOP LOOKING AT ME, I CAN'T HELP IT! IT IMPRINTED ON ME AGAINST MY WILL!


• In short, you can't really appreciate the hilarity of their mutual emo until you get it in stereo.


• come down with a fever of a hundred and werewolf.


• I will give Bella some credit: she doesn't waffle the way Edward does. She sits down, she weighs her options for a couple of minutes, and then she goes, "You know what? I am absolutely out of my fool goddamn mind, and I am going to own that shit. Self-destructive vampire love it is!"


• blah blah UNEXPECTED EMMETT IS UNEXPECTED, SUCKAAAAA!


• Alice is like CHILL YOUR ASS, I PSYCHICALLY SEE THAT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO EAT BELLA, GOD. (♥Alice. Come on Eddie, your sis', SHE BE PSYCHIC AN' SHIT.)


• It's like, suspense! thriller thriller thriller omg so creepy ~*SPARRRRRKLES*~


• he hears them thinking in tandem, "That boy ain't right." Sing it, random vampire people! Sing it loud.


• Edward is so very, very beyond a paltry CHIVALRY SMASH at this point; he is in full-on PEEL THAT BITCH LIKE AN ORANGE rage, AN ORAAAAANGE! RAAAAAGE!, and Bella's like, "Are you okay?," and he's like, "NO I AM NOT OKAY I AM RADIATING RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE AND ALSO PUT ON YOUR SEAT BELT!--wait, am I okay? You just escaped the one serial killer-rapist in the Olympic Peninsula and you want to know if I'm okay?" Yup:


• Man, it's like a whole matchy Louis Vuitton set of sexual baggage here.


• If Edward turns out to be in Verona, I'm going to stab someone.


• "Actually, Bella..." She hesitated, and then seemed to make a choice. "Honestly, I think it's all gotten beyond ridiculous. I'm debating whether to just change you myself." Y'all, Alice is totally sick of all the angst too. DO IT! DO IT! CHUG! CHUG!


• "Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours." That's a POWER? What, is this like the X-Men where they started running out of shit and gave Dazzler the power of, like, disco or some shit? Ah, but they gave "little Jane" the Jedi power of tasering people with her mind. Nice.


• CLAIRVOYANT VAMPIRE SLUMBER PARTY!!!!

It's like a capslocks/4chan review/summary of those books. Oh gods how I love it.
If you want, please do reads it.
I'm on #3 in this list.
1. Book 1: Twilight, Also, explains why people like Twilight better than I ever could.
2. Book 5 (or 1.5): Midnight Sun Excerpt Part 1[link fixed]
3. Book 5 (or 1.5): Midnight Sun Excerpt Part 2
4. Book 2: New Moon
5. Book 3: Eclipse
6. Book 4: Breaking Dawn Book 1
7. Book 4: Breaking Dawn Book 2
8. Book 4: Breaking Dawn Book 3
9. Bonus Reel: Growing Up Cullen - A series of chat-convo's outlining Edward's imaginary home life.
"[Edward] gets pissy if anyone touches his specially organised bucket WHO WAS TOUCHING MY CLEANING SUPPLIES??? EMMETT, DO'T TOUCH MY WINDEX YOU USED ALL MY FEBREZE LAST WEEK AND I LET IT GO BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH"


Yeah. I've read all the books now, except Midnight Sun -- which is evidently Book 1 re-told from Eddie's perspective, and I must read it for:
a) the "Growing Up Cullen" -- I'm really interested in the Cullen sibs actually, Meyers wasted the few characters with plot potential
b) the sheer lawlz
c) Twilight Saga is my Twinkie too ("It's like I'm in my kitchen and there's that Twinkie sitting on the counter, and I know, I know, that not one single ingredient in that thing originated in nature. "Flour," maybe, and I'm not even so sure about that. And yet.... SUGARRRRRRRR.")

I vary between indifference and a hilarious-CAPSLOCK-internets-stupidy-love/this-is-so-badly-written-especially-that-last-book-hate for these books and the accompanying movie... *shrugs* Whatever. I mock things even when I love them. Looks like the author of these reviews/walkthroughs feels the same. And I just wanted to have these links so i can finish reading the epic capslocks lawlz of it. I'm returning to my giggleshit fest now.