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Jan. 13th, 2002 10:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elfgroveI just have this very intense wish to... dissapear.
I feel lost.
I've been so edgy lately. Wanting to pull in. Pull away from people.
I certainly indulged that feeling yesterday.
I woke up with the worst feeling of needing to avoid all humanity that i've had in a while. But I had already made plans to carpool with Beau to go buy groceries, which I needed. So despite intense wishes to ignore the knock, I went out and we got groceries. I spent the rest of the day by myself, reading a book. It was kinda nice. /i set up a nice nest of floor pillows and cuyrled up into it to read while I ate dinner and ended up sleeping there too.
I remember my logic at the time, "maybe it will stop the dreams. I keep wanting to set up something ike this. I'll try it out for a night, maybe I won't have those dreams."
Though, now... I'm not sure what dreams I try so desprately to avoid. I know they upset me somehow, not afraid, just upset, and they make me want to avoid human contact if at all possible. And. I can't remember them. I wake up and can't move an arm or a leg for 10, 15 minutes. It feels like it's been broken... or slashed. But I can't remember.
And I just want to avoid people.
I woke up this morning and felt a little better than yesterday. No feeling of broken limbs this time around, but there was the distinct upset feeling and flashes that were memories of it that are sjust that. A flash in the back of my mind, too quick to even glance at, just enough to know the dreams came again, and to reinstate the lingering upset feeling they create. It makes me feel as though every last bit of me has benn picked and torn at, all energy sapped away, bare bones of myself. That's what I told Chris last night when he called, that I needed to avoid humans right now, and I felt picked to the bone. It's the truth.
I wonder if any of it has to do with cousin Eddie, and his father, Butch. The master mage and brother of my father who died of a brain tumor before I was born. The one that dad admires so much. I wonder. But that's a story for later. My connections to Butch and Eddie.
Must smile more.
But thank you to those who keep reminding me, i'm still accepted when I'm not smiling. I'm still a bit upset.
Sorry to bother.
I just need to write stuff out to deal with it.
I feel lost.
I've been so edgy lately. Wanting to pull in. Pull away from people.
I certainly indulged that feeling yesterday.
I woke up with the worst feeling of needing to avoid all humanity that i've had in a while. But I had already made plans to carpool with Beau to go buy groceries, which I needed. So despite intense wishes to ignore the knock, I went out and we got groceries. I spent the rest of the day by myself, reading a book. It was kinda nice. /i set up a nice nest of floor pillows and cuyrled up into it to read while I ate dinner and ended up sleeping there too.
I remember my logic at the time, "maybe it will stop the dreams. I keep wanting to set up something ike this. I'll try it out for a night, maybe I won't have those dreams."
Though, now... I'm not sure what dreams I try so desprately to avoid. I know they upset me somehow, not afraid, just upset, and they make me want to avoid human contact if at all possible. And. I can't remember them. I wake up and can't move an arm or a leg for 10, 15 minutes. It feels like it's been broken... or slashed. But I can't remember.
And I just want to avoid people.
I woke up this morning and felt a little better than yesterday. No feeling of broken limbs this time around, but there was the distinct upset feeling and flashes that were memories of it that are sjust that. A flash in the back of my mind, too quick to even glance at, just enough to know the dreams came again, and to reinstate the lingering upset feeling they create. It makes me feel as though every last bit of me has benn picked and torn at, all energy sapped away, bare bones of myself. That's what I told Chris last night when he called, that I needed to avoid humans right now, and I felt picked to the bone. It's the truth.
I wonder if any of it has to do with cousin Eddie, and his father, Butch. The master mage and brother of my father who died of a brain tumor before I was born. The one that dad admires so much. I wonder. But that's a story for later. My connections to Butch and Eddie.
Must smile more.
But thank you to those who keep reminding me, i'm still accepted when I'm not smiling. I'm still a bit upset.
Sorry to bother.
I just need to write stuff out to deal with it.
