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Kage ( Shadow )
Aug. 8th, 2001 09:08 amI do not know myself too well these days. Once upon a time, when I was younger and more vain, I thought I knew myself; I thought I knew many things. If I know anything now, it is that I, as well as most other people, are often wrong. But because I am often wrong, that may be wrong too. So I will not hold myself to strictly to my opinions. But for now, what I believe, I will believe with all my being, even if it becomes wrong later. For I find it is too hard to live without believing in your thoughts.
I look within myself and find that other self. The one that is me, yet is not me. There are other mes within this shell as well. But there a separate ways of looking at them.
There are the mes that are the masks that I wear out in the world. The world has so many people, and so many ways of acting and believing, that for each person I met, or each grouping, a new mask was created. The masks are a sort of one-way mirror. They mirror what that person wants or needs me to be for them from my view of their needs and desires as far as I am willing to mirror their will. Yet it is not completely a mirror, as I said it is one-way, And I look through it at them, at whatever form of mask, and as deeply into that mask as I am able to see. And a little piece of me is seen through the one-way mirror, a shadow of myself plays upon the surface of the mask. And I sit within myself, looking at my masks, taking chisel and polish, constantly reforming and destroying, refining the masks that I wear. Because my masks are designed to serve the people I know, and to serve them properly, the masks must be constantly altered to match the changes in those they serve. And the longer a mask exists, the thinner, and the closer the mask becomes to being the inner self that carves and wears the masks.
And as I sit, chiseling and polishing away at the mes that are masks of myself, I listen to the main or inner self. The part that is the me formed by the culmination of my masks, and the effects of wearing the masks, and knowing people in this world. The people of this world, it's society, my masks, form the self that carefully sits and carves the masks, that is very close to the true self or perhaps it is my true self. That me is shadowed on every mask it carves, that is the me that wears the masks and peers through, trying to take care of and protect the world from everything. This is the me that controls everything within myself, it is the main self that knows and connects all other selfs.
And as that main self sits and carves and chisels my masks, it converses with my other self. And perhaps this other self is my true self. The other self has been there from the beginning of everything. Unlike the masks, which exist only as long as they are necessary for the intended person that the mask is made for, and have only existed as long as that person has known me, the other self has always existed. Unlike the inner self in that while I am not sure if the inner self has always existed or not, the inner self changes somewhat with the masks, taking on some of the qualities of every mask, the other self does not change. The other self only grows stronger or weaker in influence. Not long ago, I kept the other self strongly chained and caged, and rarely spoke to it as I carved the masks. I feared the other self, because it was truer to my heart and wishes than the main self, thus I felt I had to hide and bind it for the safety of the main self. I still cannot find some of the keys to remove all the chains that bind the other self, but I converse with and listen to the other self far more often these days. The inner and the other self discuss everything they have learned in their lives. And the inner self evolves as it converses, growing stronger and more like the other self. And as it grows stronger, it carves more of the masks thinner than it usually would, and more of it's shadow plays upon the surfaces of the masks. And the chains on the other self grow consistently weaker as it converses, for it grows stronger in the conversations.
But I still fear the other self to the inner self somewhat. For I think the other would destroy the inner if it could. The other is cold and often nearly emotionless inside it's own shell. And within that shell beats memories and strong emotions repressed due to those memories. The memories are of another life, one I have not experienced in this life, and formed a stronger more distant self, who still protected everyone, but at the same time... The other self is cold for its knowledge of war, pain, killing and death is thorough. But it is far stronger and has more power from the knowledge of another place and time. And the inner self is less cold, and boasts less raw power and experience, but in it's way is a shadow of the other self.
So I am a shadow of no telling how many shadows. For if myself now is the shadow of a past self, it the past self a shadow of yet another past self?
I look within myself and find that other self. The one that is me, yet is not me. There are other mes within this shell as well. But there a separate ways of looking at them.
There are the mes that are the masks that I wear out in the world. The world has so many people, and so many ways of acting and believing, that for each person I met, or each grouping, a new mask was created. The masks are a sort of one-way mirror. They mirror what that person wants or needs me to be for them from my view of their needs and desires as far as I am willing to mirror their will. Yet it is not completely a mirror, as I said it is one-way, And I look through it at them, at whatever form of mask, and as deeply into that mask as I am able to see. And a little piece of me is seen through the one-way mirror, a shadow of myself plays upon the surface of the mask. And I sit within myself, looking at my masks, taking chisel and polish, constantly reforming and destroying, refining the masks that I wear. Because my masks are designed to serve the people I know, and to serve them properly, the masks must be constantly altered to match the changes in those they serve. And the longer a mask exists, the thinner, and the closer the mask becomes to being the inner self that carves and wears the masks.
And as I sit, chiseling and polishing away at the mes that are masks of myself, I listen to the main or inner self. The part that is the me formed by the culmination of my masks, and the effects of wearing the masks, and knowing people in this world. The people of this world, it's society, my masks, form the self that carefully sits and carves the masks, that is very close to the true self or perhaps it is my true self. That me is shadowed on every mask it carves, that is the me that wears the masks and peers through, trying to take care of and protect the world from everything. This is the me that controls everything within myself, it is the main self that knows and connects all other selfs.
And as that main self sits and carves and chisels my masks, it converses with my other self. And perhaps this other self is my true self. The other self has been there from the beginning of everything. Unlike the masks, which exist only as long as they are necessary for the intended person that the mask is made for, and have only existed as long as that person has known me, the other self has always existed. Unlike the inner self in that while I am not sure if the inner self has always existed or not, the inner self changes somewhat with the masks, taking on some of the qualities of every mask, the other self does not change. The other self only grows stronger or weaker in influence. Not long ago, I kept the other self strongly chained and caged, and rarely spoke to it as I carved the masks. I feared the other self, because it was truer to my heart and wishes than the main self, thus I felt I had to hide and bind it for the safety of the main self. I still cannot find some of the keys to remove all the chains that bind the other self, but I converse with and listen to the other self far more often these days. The inner and the other self discuss everything they have learned in their lives. And the inner self evolves as it converses, growing stronger and more like the other self. And as it grows stronger, it carves more of the masks thinner than it usually would, and more of it's shadow plays upon the surfaces of the masks. And the chains on the other self grow consistently weaker as it converses, for it grows stronger in the conversations.
But I still fear the other self to the inner self somewhat. For I think the other would destroy the inner if it could. The other is cold and often nearly emotionless inside it's own shell. And within that shell beats memories and strong emotions repressed due to those memories. The memories are of another life, one I have not experienced in this life, and formed a stronger more distant self, who still protected everyone, but at the same time... The other self is cold for its knowledge of war, pain, killing and death is thorough. But it is far stronger and has more power from the knowledge of another place and time. And the inner self is less cold, and boasts less raw power and experience, but in it's way is a shadow of the other self.
So I am a shadow of no telling how many shadows. For if myself now is the shadow of a past self, it the past self a shadow of yet another past self?
