my new theme song... Dark Saga by Iced Earth

The deal was rigged,
There's darkness in my soul.
I want to die again.

An empty soul shrouded in darkness.
Alone and confused. what am I?
Images flash. Memories jaded.
He took my life. God damn his lies!

Fight son of the damned. Bring down the heavens.
Smash in the gates. Burn 'em down.
You must accept the fate that you've chosen,
You will obey your destiny!

I cheated myself for love,
Love unconditional.
Now just to see her face,
I've lost it all.

I know there's goodness in me,
Though I'm not the same.
I will defy the master.
I will refuse to be his slave...

No! I was betrayed. I can't accept this.
My future's unclear. It's a lie!
I'll follow my heart, stand and be counted.
The curse will lift. I will survive!

I cheated myself for love,
Love unconditional.
Now just to see her face,
I've lost it all.

I cheated myself for love,
Love unconditional.
Now just to see her face,
I've lost it all.

http://www.angelfire.com/art/sketchpad/images/evifie/song.html

"We're alone because no one understands us. "

This is a quote I made in a rambling during SATs my senior year of high school. I was looking back at it today, and the quote caught my eye.

I'm still as alone as I always have been. Well, maybe a little less so. But, according to that comment I shouldn't be so alone. Thinking back on what I wrote that comment in context to, I should no longer feel alone. I've found people who have somewhat of an understanding. Not completely. No one can ever completely understand anyone else's heart. But, i've found people who have a vague understanding. One moreso than any other.

But i'm still alone.

I couldn't help but think. At the time I thought it was a briliant statement. I knew it wasn't quite that simple, nothing ever is. But I thought it was mostly right. Here I am though. Over a year later, and a lot has changed.

But that loneliness still consumes me.

So what does that mean? Obviously, the statement isn't nearly as complete as I once believed it to be.

But what causes the loneliness?

The one i'm closest to is too busy to talk now. I understand that of course. That isn't the cause of the loneliness. It is deeper than that. It is something that continually keeps me at the edge. The edge of an abyss within myself that I won't discuss just now.

Perhaps the loneliness is a result of me pushing people away constantly. Smiling and laughing when i'm angry or hurt most. Demanding to be alone when all I really want is someone to sit next to me in silence. Forcing speech rather than accepting the silence when it would help.

I have no answers, but perhaps, the loneliness is caused by my own self -- my pride.