It's so strange.

[elfgrove]

My life right now...
It seems out of place somehow.
I go through the motions.
I exist.

But.
I'm not sure I care anymore.

Sure.
I care about the people around me.
Gods.
I would do anything to keep them from ever being the least bit unhappy.

I just...
I'm powerless.

I hate myself.
I can't remember the last time I felt a heart in me...

Strike that.

I remember...
When at my cousin's funeral and listening to my family calling her crazy...
I felt then.
Pain.
Anger.
Alone.
Betrayal.
Lost.
Failure.
Confusion.

It seemed...
As though I should've been able to protect her somehow.
As though it was my fault for not protecting her.
As though I should die.
I wanted...
To hurt everyone....
For the pain I felt that they couldn't understand...
For the way they treated her in death...
For their cold uncaring.


And recently...
When I have to deal with 'Walkers.
Purpose.
Direction.
Happiness.

In my own strange way.
I knew there was still something I could do...
To protect those I cared for...

But...
There's no place for warriors anymore...
Is there?
I'm an outdated heart...
A lost soul...


Why do I continue?

Comments

[dustyx.livejournal.com]

Sounds so much like my flow of thoughts. But just as every warrior, you never can find the will to give up. Continuing to live a warrior's life, a warrior's path until we die a warrior's death.

Our lives to ourself are almost meaningless. The ones around us, the ones we struggle to protect are all that matter to us. We know our lives, we'd sacrifice it to keep them safe and happy from the harm we struggle to fight.

Why do we continue? Because there is no other way to go, because we have to fight that good fight and we have to die that warrior's death.

~dX

Continuing your thought flow.

[elfgrove.livejournal.com]

Because if we give up life, we do not fail ourselves, we fail them. And that is inexcusable.
      We cannot allow them to be harmed. And we cannot prevent harm if we do not continue, even if continuing holds no other reason, that reason exists over all else.

      Sometimes I think by all rights I should be dead, but then... I can't bring myself to stop going on because... What if it caused them to be harmed... What if i cannot protect them... And then I fail... And wonder where I was when they needed me.


      It's creepy Dusty. You seem to have caught quite well onto my train of thought. Most people would of seen that as the grumblings of one on the edge of suicide, but truth is...
      I can't bring my self to risk not being there for the ones I care for, even though I don't want therm to hold me in the same manner of caring as I hold them, if for no other reason than caring for me could cause them pain later. So I embrace my lonlieness. I embrace the life/heart/soul of a warrior.


But enough phsyco-analyzing myself... ^_~

Re: Continuing your thought flow.

[dustyx.livejournal.com]

I didn't as much catch on to your train of thought as it is much of the train that I myself ride on.

~dX