It's so strange.

[elfgrove]

My life right now...
It seems out of place somehow.
I go through the motions.
I exist.

But.
I'm not sure I care anymore.

Sure.
I care about the people around me.
Gods.
I would do anything to keep them from ever being the least bit unhappy.

I just...
I'm powerless.

I hate myself.
I can't remember the last time I felt a heart in me...

Strike that.

I remember...
When at my cousin's funeral and listening to my family calling her crazy...
I felt then.
Pain.
Anger.
Alone.
Betrayal.
Lost.
Failure.
Confusion.

It seemed...
As though I should've been able to protect her somehow.
As though it was my fault for not protecting her.
As though I should die.
I wanted...
To hurt everyone....
For the pain I felt that they couldn't understand...
For the way they treated her in death...
For their cold uncaring.


And recently...
When I have to deal with 'Walkers.
Purpose.
Direction.
Happiness.

In my own strange way.
I knew there was still something I could do...
To protect those I cared for...

But...
There's no place for warriors anymore...
Is there?
I'm an outdated heart...
A lost soul...


Why do I continue?

Comments

[dustyx.livejournal.com]

Sounds so much like my flow of thoughts. But just as every warrior, you never can find the will to give up. Continuing to live a warrior's life, a warrior's path until we die a warrior's death.

Our lives to ourself are almost meaningless. The ones around us, the ones we struggle to protect are all that matter to us. We know our lives, we'd sacrifice it to keep them safe and happy from the harm we struggle to fight.

Why do we continue? Because there is no other way to go, because we have to fight that good fight and we have to die that warrior's death.

~dX

Continuing your thought flow.

[elfgrove.livejournal.com]

Because if we give up life, we do not fail ourselves, we fail them. And that is inexcusable.
      We cannot allow them to be harmed. And we cannot prevent harm if we do not continue, even if continuing holds no other reason, that reason exists over all else.

      Sometimes I think by all rights I should be dead, but then... I can't bring myself to stop going on because... What if it caused them to be harmed... What if i cannot protect them... And then I fail... And wonder where I was when they needed me.


      It's creepy Dusty. You seem to have caught quite well onto my train of thought. Most people would of seen that as the grumblings of one on the edge of suicide, but truth is...
      I can't bring my self to risk not being there for the ones I care for, even though I don't want therm to hold me in the same manner of caring as I hold them, if for no other reason than caring for me could cause them pain later. So I embrace my lonlieness. I embrace the life/heart/soul of a warrior.


But enough phsyco-analyzing myself... ^_~

Re: Continuing your thought flow.

[dustyx.livejournal.com]

I didn't as much catch on to your train of thought as it is much of the train that I myself ride on.

~dX

[dreamspiral.livejournal.com]

[begin random philosphical ramblings]

Warriors are a dying breed... not because they are in the wrong time or place, but because their efforts are so isolated. Our society dislikes disturbances, and warriors are certainly a disturbance; thus their efforts are suppressed. The result is that individual warriors never get the chance to join with groups of warriors, and so they surrender all hope to what seems an insurmountable task.

There are many changes that need to be made in the world, and many causes that need the energy and passion that warriors bring. All that remains is for those warriors with a common vision to find a way to unite in their struggle. That alone could revive them from the slow death that they are suffering.

[end ramblings]

I think I need sleep.

[elfgrove.livejournal.com]

You probably do need sleep. ^_^ No one I know seems to get sleep anymore these days. Fortuneately, it doesn't seem to affect your mental processes. I love your philosphical rambling... I'm just to tired to post an intelligent reply...

War! ((music)) What is it good for.....

[(Anonymous)]

You could....

Join the military, go on training and be a warrior there. Then when you get good enough, you can become a mercenary ... and that's where you can really let your warrior instinct fly.

You even seem to exhibit a technical know-how from your computer & engineering major (I forgot the exact name). With technology becoming commonplace in military this could help you greatly.

-Iniach

Re: War! ((music)) What is it good for.....

[elfgrove.livejournal.com]

I don't suppose I can fully explain why easily, but I really don't care for the military. I have several reasons. I could probably make a post on that in and of itself. ^_^

None the less, there are more ways to be a warrior than following the orders of a single country. The difference, IMHO, between a warrior and a soldier lies in the heart. A soldier follows orders, whether to protect or destroy, live or die, on the command, on the heart of another person. A warrior follows their own path and their own heart, and simply cannot afford to die.

I don't know if that makes sense to you.

heh

[(Anonymous)]

Life sure is complicated when you care more for those around you than you do yourself! I know because I've been that way for most of my life (and it's the only reason that I still AM alive). After much contemplation however, I've come to the conclusion that actually to an extent this can be a good thing... there's definitely a point at which this attitude just screws up your life though (been there, done that, sorta came back).

Caring for others more than yourself leads to a rather non-selfish view on life in the long run. The problem with it is getting yourself to the point where you actually like yourself enough to not be completely miserable all of the time, not an easy task. It's amazing sometimes just how much people will start to like you if you don't like yourself, sometimes it's pity but sometimes they just love to be around you because they KNOW that you won't screw them over for petty personal reasons as many people seem to do.

Enough rambling for me... -_+


- Someone