It's so strange.

[elfgrove]

My life right now...
It seems out of place somehow.
I go through the motions.
I exist.

But.
I'm not sure I care anymore.

Sure.
I care about the people around me.
Gods.
I would do anything to keep them from ever being the least bit unhappy.

I just...
I'm powerless.

I hate myself.
I can't remember the last time I felt a heart in me...

Strike that.

I remember...
When at my cousin's funeral and listening to my family calling her crazy...
I felt then.
Pain.
Anger.
Alone.
Betrayal.
Lost.
Failure.
Confusion.

It seemed...
As though I should've been able to protect her somehow.
As though it was my fault for not protecting her.
As though I should die.
I wanted...
To hurt everyone....
For the pain I felt that they couldn't understand...
For the way they treated her in death...
For their cold uncaring.


And recently...
When I have to deal with 'Walkers.
Purpose.
Direction.
Happiness.

In my own strange way.
I knew there was still something I could do...
To protect those I cared for...

But...
There's no place for warriors anymore...
Is there?
I'm an outdated heart...
A lost soul...


Why do I continue?

Comments

War! ((music)) What is it good for.....

[(Anonymous)]

You could....

Join the military, go on training and be a warrior there. Then when you get good enough, you can become a mercenary ... and that's where you can really let your warrior instinct fly.

You even seem to exhibit a technical know-how from your computer & engineering major (I forgot the exact name). With technology becoming commonplace in military this could help you greatly.

-Iniach

Re: War! ((music)) What is it good for.....

[elfgrove.livejournal.com]

I don't suppose I can fully explain why easily, but I really don't care for the military. I have several reasons. I could probably make a post on that in and of itself. ^_^

None the less, there are more ways to be a warrior than following the orders of a single country. The difference, IMHO, between a warrior and a soldier lies in the heart. A soldier follows orders, whether to protect or destroy, live or die, on the command, on the heart of another person. A warrior follows their own path and their own heart, and simply cannot afford to die.

I don't know if that makes sense to you.