elfgrove: (Default)
...stares*

I've not written in a while.
I don't know what to say.
So much has happened.
My friends have been hurting, and I could do little to aid them. Hell, I think I was only able to do anything for one of them.
My friend's life was at risk, and yet I could not protect her.
I feel useless.
I exist... why?
I thought to protect once...
But now...
I don't know.
That is the only way of existance that I know...
Yet I fail at it miserably.
I feel like crying...
Yet I cannot.

*sits hands wrapped around her knees and stares blankly forward*
elfgrove: (Default)
My life right now...
It seems out of place somehow.
I go through the motions.
I exist.

But.
I'm not sure I care anymore.

Sure.
I care about the people around me.
Gods.
I would do anything to keep them from ever being the least bit unhappy.

I just...
I'm powerless.

I hate myself.
I can't remember the last time I felt a heart in me...

Strike that.

I remember...
When at my cousin's funeral and listening to my family calling her crazy...
I felt then.
Pain.
Anger.
Alone.
Betrayal.
Lost.
Failure.
Confusion.

It seemed...
As though I should've been able to protect her somehow.
As though it was my fault for not protecting her.
As though I should die.
I wanted...
To hurt everyone....
For the pain I felt that they couldn't understand...
For the way they treated her in death...
For their cold uncaring.


And recently...
When I have to deal with 'Walkers.
Purpose.
Direction.
Happiness.

In my own strange way.
I knew there was still something I could do...
To protect those I cared for...

But...
There's no place for warriors anymore...
Is there?
I'm an outdated heart...
A lost soul...


Why do I continue?
elfgrove: (You ask me one more question and I'm bea)
This is a quote I made in a rambling during SATs my senior year of high school. I was looking back at it today, and the quote caught my eye.

I'm still as alone as I always have been. Well, maybe a little less so. But, according to that comment I shouldn't be so alone. Thinking back on what I wrote that comment in context to, I should no longer feel alone. I've found people who have somewhat of an understanding. Not completely. No one can ever completely understand anyone else's heart. But, i've found people who have a vague understanding. One moreso than any other.

But i'm still alone.

I couldn't help but think. At the time I thought it was a briliant statement. I knew it wasn't quite that simple, nothing ever is. But I thought it was mostly right. Here I am though. Over a year later, and a lot has changed.

But that loneliness still consumes me.

So what does that mean? Obviously, the statement isn't nearly as complete as I once believed it to be.

But what causes the loneliness?

The one i'm closest to is too busy to talk now. I understand that of course. That isn't the cause of the loneliness. It is deeper than that. It is something that continually keeps me at the edge. The edge of an abyss within myself that I won't discuss just now.

Perhaps the loneliness is a result of me pushing people away constantly. Smiling and laughing when i'm angry or hurt most. Demanding to be alone when all I really want is someone to sit next to me in silence. Forcing speech rather than accepting the silence when it would help.

I have no answers, but perhaps, the loneliness is caused by my own self -- my pride.
elfgrove: (Protest)

It seems so at least...
I ended up going to the Pantheon dinner thing.

No regrets. It was very nice to spend that little bit of extra time with those people. I really do care about them. Maybe it's stupid because I am risking being hurt, but I can't help but to care about them. I gave Amber the poster of StoneHenge i've been meaning to give to her since winter break, and I gave Brett my most recent medicine bag. I hope they like them.

Only one thing didn't come out too great. I mentioned the idea of Otherkin to the Pantheon kids at the Blue Bagel. I didn't present it as I was one, I said that i'd come across an interesting online community and asked if they'd ever heard of it. I then proceeded to describe it to them.
Cliff started laughing. Gods... I thought I was going to get angry with him or just get up and run out. I rememer his reaction more so than anyone else's because he was sitting right across from me. I couldn't bring myself to look at anyone else's face. I was afraid that they would laugh too, I can't remember if they were or not. Probably were. I laughed some myself and said something to the effect of "yeah, but they're really interesting to talk too." Cliff told me that "interesting" was probably the best word to use for groups like that. He added that it was possible, but he had always been incarnated as a human. The initial reaction hurt though. Christina added that people are always telling her how elf-like or pixie-ish she is. Cliff laughed and agreed and joked about imagining her just phasing out and back in, and how he would ask her how her trip was.

Feh. Nevermind. I'm stronger than this. I don't care. I am what I am and do not regret it. I was only sad to hear that from Cliff. But it is a hard idea to swallow; I understand. He's too nice a person for me to get angry about it, everyone who was there is.

Heh. This from a girl who still holds a grudge against a guy for a comment he made when I was 12. Of course it was a bad comment and he only got worse through the years, but I never really gave him a second chance after that. Heh. Perhaps i'm no longer the queen of grudges.

After the Blue Bagel I walked bay to the Student Union to catch the last tape of the Anime Club meeting. Cliff was giving a ride home to everyone, but I opted to walk. I like walking after my meetings, gives me time to think.

At the last of the Anime Club meeting, it turns out Matt will be making dinner Saturday and we scheduled to meet for ice cream on dead day where Matt could come, so Chris won't make it. It should be nice though.

Damn It All "You are extremely avoiding the contact of the first kind. Do you fear to feel other people? Being ignorant of others, you will never be either betrayed nor hurt, though you'll never escape from feeling loneliness. A person cannot erase that forever... However, people can forget, and thus are able to live."

- Kaoru Nagisa, Neon Genesis Evangelion

Damn. Why was the chorus to this song stuck in my head on the way to Anime Club from the Blue Bagel?
~ SONG ~
And then he went to the roof
Where his threats ring loud and clear
Gonna jump, Gonna jump
Gonna die this year




elfgrove: (Default)
Thanks to whomever showed concern about the fact that I try to not let people care about me... I have my reasons though... And there aren't many out there who can understand them. This includes you Radar. No one's going to understand it unless there as deep in some of the shit that I am in.

If I want to deal with it alone, let me. I'm not asking for that much.

I've considered suicide a lot recently, but, they way things figure, I can't afford it. The things i've been involved in, if I disappear, un-involved people might suffer. I can't allow that.

I saw someone in dustyX's friends asking how do you deal? I don't know how I deal. I think I do because I have no choice. Protecting the people I care about from my mistakes comes first. I may not care a lot about myself sometimes, but I care too much about them to not protect them from everything I can. I can't take the easy way out.

What was ironic was the last variation of the question:
--- How do you deal, looking up at the stars and realizing you do NOT belong on earth, that you were born in the wrong form, place, time, EVERYTHING, and wondering whether you should correct that error on your own? ---
I doubt she means that literally. Were it my comment, I would. I do do look up at the stars and KNOW that I do not belong on Earth. I KNOW that this is not the form I am supposed to be wearing. I KNOW I'm supposed to somewhere else. And I have considered correcting the error, except I know the error would only begin again because things are destined to be like that. And people might suffer were I to give up. I'm a warrior from another time, another world. I'm half elf / half evifie stuck in a human body. I miss being what I should be. Compare the picture below to the default one in my menu. See the problem? I'm trapped in this place.

How do I deal? I simply do because I must. You can too. Someone took the knife away for you; you have no idea how amazing that is.


..."Lady, we're all lost. We've all lost our way...There is no escaping our destiny. You can run from it for a little while, but it's always there waiting for you at the end of the line."
- Rude, "Letting Go of the Past" by ZealPropht


December 2011

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